(Spin) Doctor Doctor
July 11th, 2007I regretfully inform you, Dear Reader, that I’ve been hired by the Office of Internet Relations in the White House Office of the Press Secretary by the acting secretary to the White House Deputy Press Secretary on orders of the White House Press Secretary to provide commentary on the President’s behalf in order to maintain an informed and orderly nation. Before I begin, I must ask you, Dear Reader, to turn up the classic song, (Spin) Doctor Doctor, Give Me The News: I’ve Got a Bad Case of Trusting You and become an informed r(R?subliminal)epublican citizen.
(Spin) Doctor Pratt (not to be confused with TV Doctor Pratt) on the news that the President ordered Harriet Miers not to testify before Congress despite their summons: “The President is committed to the advancement and success of women in free and soon-to-be free societies everywhere. To that end, he has requested that former Counsel Harriet Miers not appear before the Congress. Many Americans have criticized the President as ’stubborn’ and reluctant to learn from, let alone concede to, his mistakes, but this shows us the President refuses to set women back another fifty years. He learned from the first time he set them back fifty years: with Miers’ nomination to the Court.”
(Spin) Doctor Pratt on the news that the military clumsily posts sensitive, classified information to the public via the Internet: “The President is committed to democratic values everywhere. To accuse the military of endangering our military with malice or incompetence is to misunderstand: the President is endangering our soldiers with liberal thought, and so we can trace the ‘problems’ to the Founding Fathers though it must be re-stated that we don’t believe there to be any problems: the President simply believes in the first amendment, as do his critics, which makes their criticism a baffling one.”
(Spin) Doctor Pratt on the news that the former Surgeon General (under President Bush) is leveling the Administration with criticism, including the claim that Bush made him mention Bush three times per page per speech; forced him to attend political meetings; suppressed his reports on stem cells, emergency contraception, sex education, or prison, mental and global health issues, and second-hand smoke; and, most disturbing of all, told him to avoid the Special Olympics because Ted Kennedy and his family were involved with the organization and, “Why would you want to help those people?”: “The President has no comment.”